Have you ever wondered why Mother Nature gave us thumbnails? Well the way to find out the answer is to go to open the cat food cupboard a bit too quickly, preferably without looking at what you’re doing. For maximum effect be sure to do this with your right hand if you are right-handed, or conversely with your left hand if you are left-handed. Make sure that your existing thumbnail approaches the door at an angle of 90°. Ensure that it makes contact with said cupboard door at speed, fast enough so that your nail breaks halfway across your thumb, slightly below the top of the soft part.
With any luck it will be too damaged to be able to repair, and trying to snip it off with scissors will be no good, so you will have no option but to tear it off right across and put it into the rubbish bin. It helps to hop about on one foot and shut your eyes while you do this, but mind the cats because they are still waiting for their breakfast and can’t understand why the cupboard door is still shut, because they definitely saw you go to open it.
Open the door properly and extract a tin from the box, trying not to flinch as you flip the top of the box open. Take the top of the tin off as best as you can and shovel the contents out into two dishes with the plastic cat food fork, then clean the tin ready for recycling.
Now that they are happy you can consider your predicament properly. Plaster? Well, no; it won’t last long because you and your other half have both taken the day off work to go and work on the allotment, digging and weeding, chopping up old dead thorny blackberry wood and picking fruit and veg.
Hmm. Soothing antiseptic cream sounds tempting, but what you don’t really need is that newly-exposed part soft because you will be catching it on everything, and it will be a magnet for sharp objects, corners, edges of taps and blackberry thorns.
Aha! The very thing! A nice, very thin, carefully-applied layer of superglue, which hardens over the vulnerable bit and gives it some protection.
Luckily I have been blessed with a high pain threshold so after the initial Yipe, and the occasional Ow during the day, I managed to make two lunch boxes and flasks of coffee, get the rotary line post out of the shed and put it in the ground, hang out some washing, do 8 hours’ work on the allotment, pick some fruit and veg, do the watering, come home, feed the cats again (carefully!), clean up and get changed, take in the washing and put the rotary line post back in the shed, water the pots and hanging basket in the back garden, make two cups of tea, peel some of our own vegetables and cook the evening meal, wash up, change and wash the bedding, wash the newly-dug potatoes and leave them to dry, answer a phone enquiry about our Archaeological Group dig, sort out some clothes for the charity bag that is being collected tomorrow and put some harvested Sage leaves out to dry, and am still able to type this and tell you about it without too much difficulty – but if you do the same as me you will certainly find out just how often we use our thumbnails during the course of a day!
Thank goodness they keep growing! It will probably be fine in about 2 weeks’ time, when I’ll have forgotten how I did it and do the same thing again….