Have just come back from the dentist with a filling; am off this afternoon with the Archaeology Group to see theCountyArchives, then will do some shopping for the evening nibbles for the spinning & weaving break later this week. Must put the washing machine on soon to do the last minute things.
That evening when I got home, knowing that our second attempt had failed, was a tricky one. I had to tell R but couldn’t fall apart and be as distraught as I felt, at least not if I wanted to have a third try.
I had to show him that I could handle the disappointment – as I’ve said before, he hates it if I am upset, especially if it’s something that he can’t ‘mend’ for me. If he thought that he had to watch me go through anguish and pain and lots of tears he would resist a further attempt in case I had to go through it all again. It is because he is protective, not condemnatory; if he can’t fix the pain, he can at least try to make sure that I don’t suffer it again. But I wanted us to try again – third time lucky, maybe.
I knew that he would be disappointed, because he has always looked forward to being a Dad, but he is more philosophical about defeat than I am. Last time I had been an inconsolable wreck; somehow I had to match his mood this time, even though I felt so much worse, because this time we nearly had our child; I am convinced of it.
When he came home I let him have some time to settle in and then said, as nonchalently as I could manage, that I could cancel our appointment for the blood test if he’d rather do something else that day. He looked surprised, and I said that I was pretty sure that it hadn’t worked. I said, lightly, that I thought that ‘something’ had happened earlier on in the week that had given me hope, because although not feeling ill I had certainly felt different, but that now the feeling had gone. I said that I was sure that I was now definitely not pregnant.
But he said that we should go, just to make sure, and that we would do something else interesting while we were there, to take out minds off waiting for the result, and to make the day worthwhile. He has always liked doing everything by the book! He likes to do things ‘properly’.
I had passed that hurdle; I had said the thing that I had dreaded having to acknowledge, and I had demonstrated that I could sad but not look devastated (which of course, as you can imagine, I really was).
All I had to do now was get through the rest of the evening and that night, and then it would be the next day.