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R was better today and has gone in to work.  I have two days off now!  Had a good meeting today, with a visitor from another part of our organisation who is really pleased with the work that I’m doing and said that it is going to be of enormous benefit to not only our own workforce but those in other counties, too!  Wow, an accolade!!  I do already circulate it to people in other counties, but this new link will give us all a central approach to things, and I made some suggestions which I think (hope) are going to be implemented by others for the benefit of all, too.

Do you have displacement activities?  I have to admit that I do at the moment, which is weird because normally I’m a "Do it now and get it over with" sort of person.  However, I keep finding excuses not to do things.

You already know that I didn’t phone the Logan Centre on Friday as I said I would, because I’d have told you if I had!  But, I really don’t think that I can face hearing the bad news.  And yet maybe it isn’t bad news?  But if it was, I’d have been helpless to do anything about it all over the weekend, so I thought that I’d ring today – except that today has come and I still haven’t done it.

Shall I do it now?  Ooh, I nearly did!  I almost grabbed the phone!!  But I didn’t, because the line is terrible when the computer is connected to the internet, and I didn’t want to have to bellow down the phone.

I’m at our library tomorrow, so maybe if I come home at a reasonable hour I will ring them before I turn on the computer.

The other thing that is giving me trouble is the making of Christmas cards.  Yes, I know that I don’t have to, but the plan was to make about 100 and then sell them at a charity fair in aid of my Dad’s RAFA.  That thought alone should have spurred me on, but it hasn’t.

I’ve bought all the stuff, and could have made at least one in the time it’s taken me to type this, but I just do not have the enthusiasm.  You probably remember from things I was saying last week that this time last year we still had R’s Dad with us, and this year we have not.  Last Christmas Day my Mum & Dad hosted us to lunch so that we could spend our time with R’s Dad at the hospital.  Five days later he had gone; snatched from us in the early hours of the morning.

I just couldn’t care less about nativity scenes or snowmen, Santas and holly.  Yes I’m buying presents for family and friends because life goes on, but my heart is not in it.  I look at the glittery embellishments for cards and it is like looking at sawdust, and I shut the lid of the box again.

We’ve all had good times since last year, of course; we’ve laughed, and enjoyed doing things.  But are we happy?  Well, in a way, yes, as much as being infertile will ever allow.  That misery doesn’t change, like the static noise that is the background radio noise that covers the whole universe.  It will always be with us, and our lives are overlaid upon it.

But in the deepest sense, not happy, no.  And so I do some ironing, or hoovering, or cooking, and then find something that I must see on the telly – or, more frequently these days of course, come and talk to you and then visit my five forums of which I am a member.

By the time I’ve caught up with everything it is too late to start.  Even my days off have been for something specific, not just a time to spread out all my cardmaking stuff and have fun being creative like I did last year.

Actually that’s a good idea – I will visit the DoCrafts forum and ask my friends on their how they cope with this feeling.  I am not the only pone to have lost someone, and others will have gone through this too.  Even if all they can do is send me a cyber ((HUG)), that might help.

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About Linda Weeks

About my life with the daughter I thought I'd never have - but I did, thanks to a wonderful anonymous egg donor, to whom I will be forever grateful. xx
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