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Shall I take my birthday cards down today?  They are still on the mantelpiece and dresser.  Normally we just leave birthday cards up for about a week, and then take them down.  I haven’t done so this year for the stupidest of reasons; that, the next time I have birthday cards on display, they will be physical markers of the fact that our chances to have a baby will be over.  Unless a miracle happens before then and our donor returns, or another comes forward.

It will be like an ending, every card that I put up will be another confirmation.  All the time that I leave them there somehow connects me to last year.

And yet I know that I can’t keep them up forever – a kind of Miss Haversham, spending the rest of her life in her wedding dress and surrounded by reminders of her wedding that never was.  (She did have a child, though!!! – sorry, that thought just came to me from nowhere.)  Maybe I can ask everyone not to send me a card next year?  But then that means I’ll have to explain to everybody.  And they will be uncomfortable.  And they won’t know what to do the following year.  So I expect that I’ll just go on as usual.  Perhaps we could have a holiday away, somewhere where nobody knows us.  And where there are no children in the hotel.

Oh, I sound like a real old bitter grouch, don’t I?  I don’t mean to, it’s just that seeing families at such a time will be really, really painful.  But I’m going to have to get used to it.

I am lucky in that I come from a long-lived family.  Who knows – I might live for another 50 years or even more, yet, and still have all my marbles and health!  Do I want to waste all those years on bitterness and ridiculous longing? 

No, of course not, but I have to know that I have tried everything that there is, and this is it; egg donation is our only hope.  It is the last hope that there is for women like me, having to rely on the generosity of a complete stranger to make our life complete.

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About Linda Weeks

About my life with the daughter I thought I'd never have - but I did, thanks to a wonderful anonymous egg donor, to whom I will be forever grateful. xx
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